Bashooku's Blog (20)

Alcoholism

If you or anyone you know is suffering from alcoholism, seek professional help. If you are close to, in a relationship with, or know someone who is within such a relationship with an alcoholic, please, seek professional help. Friends and family may coddle or even get angry about the situation, which doesn't help and can push things even further into destruction. Encourage the addict to get professional help. Encourage those close to them to get professional help.

AA and…

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Added by Bashooku on August 21, 2017 at 3:42am — No Comments

Letting go is hard to do.

I have accepted that my wife and I will never get back together. With how things are with her addiction and how she shifts the blame back onto me, I don't want to get back together with her. I am also conflicted with this desire to help her. I don't want her to go down that road of alcoholism, which she's already been on for far too long.

I don't know if there is anything that could make her see just what her drinking has done to her, her relationships, and her child. I'm not a…

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Added by Bashooku on August 21, 2017 at 2:20am — 2 Comments

Torn

Yesterday, when I went to pick up my step son from school, I spoke to his teacher and his counselor about what was happening and expressed my concerns about my wife's alcoholism. She's been borrowing money to make bills, but I know that she hasn't been paying those bills. I know that she's been spending that money on booze and frivolous clothing for herself. When I saw my step son, he was wearing clothes he outgrew months ago. She hasn't been buying him new clothes.

I know why she…

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Added by Bashooku on August 18, 2017 at 7:55pm — 4 Comments

Blind Spots

I am so tired right now, so, please, excuse any ramblings. I'm experiencing a bout of melancholy as I'm coming down the other side of some anxiety. Yep, it was anxiety and not allergies. lol. The fortunate thing is that it was anxiety induced by a lack of sleep, which took a simple "How much sleep have you gotten?" to help me realize where the increased anxiety was coming from. Big thanks to Kelley for being insightful and asking me that one simple question. I didn't get much more sleep last…

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Added by Bashooku on August 18, 2017 at 1:58am — 4 Comments

Triumphs and Tribulations

I'm really seeing the success from my little experiments. I am feeling the anxiety, still centralized around my forehead, but it is not controlling my emotions. Maybe, just maybe, what I'm feeling isn't even anxiety anymore, but allergies since I moved back to farm country. lol

My wife contacted me. She's been stressed out about bills and making all the things work. Her attitude with me has been short tempered and panicked. I have actually kept my calm lately and have even returned to…

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Added by Bashooku on August 16, 2017 at 12:36am — 1 Comment

That little s*** is back, but I'm prepared.

Today is our two year anniversary. I awoke today with depression and it has slowly been moving back into anxiety, which isn't good, so it is time for more practice. Physically, I am feeling the same electric charge, but it is centralized in my forehead instead of the other places it typically is: the based of the skull and sternum.

I spoke with her today. She was very…

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Added by Bashooku on August 14, 2017 at 9:40pm — 1 Comment

Anxiety has turned to depression

I'm in a strange place at the moment. I'm exhausted, but am unable to just go to sleep. I've been feeling a bit depressed today. It's a welcomed change from my normal anxiety. It's less painful and I can at least sit still. I don't know why, but I'm feeling this kind of dread about going to bed. I tried to lie down, but felt my body pushing me to get up. I exercised today and, like I wrote above, I'm not experiencing anxiety, so I don't know where this nervous energy surrounding sleep is…

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Added by Bashooku on August 14, 2017 at 5:50am — 2 Comments

Push and Pull

Is it possible to let go without pushing away? We often come to these moments in a situation, relationship, or dependencies where we recognize that our own emotional response to them is detrimental to our mental and/or physical health, but is it necessary to push them away in the process of letting go of that emotional association? With physical addictions, I would have to say that it is necessary to push away that which is causing the…

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Added by Bashooku on August 13, 2017 at 5:47pm — No Comments

Eureka!

Upon reading more of the philosophical perspectives of Stoicism, I came across a quote by Marcus Aurelius: “Today, I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions, not outside.” I've discussed triggers in other blogs and I see the error in my perceptions now. Recognizing triggers is a good tool for avoiding anxiety escalations early on, but, recently, I had forgotten that the internal…

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Added by Bashooku on August 12, 2017 at 4:13am — No Comments

Triggers

My wife is a HUGE trigger for me. My anxiety about my marriage is always going back and forth because of her going back and forth. It's maddening to not know what to do: should I hold on? should I let her go? Does she want this to work? Does it even f****** matter? As much as all of this is hurting me and I do want to be released from this insanity, getting a divorce is the last thing I ever wanted, so it's not easy. It's not easy to actually want the marriage to be over. I still love her. I…

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Added by Bashooku on August 12, 2017 at 12:11am — 1 Comment

Stoic

 I've been reading up on the ancient Greek philosophical work of Stoicism. Although it is a very welcomed and insightful perspective, I don't think they had trauma in mind when trying to attain that level of acceptance, but I will share my findings and thoughts.

Stoicism comes from the Greek word "stoa," which is a name…

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Added by Bashooku on August 9, 2017 at 6:30pm — No Comments

What is life?

I'm sure I'm not the first person to hit on this topic or from this angle, but I was just exercising and the old saying "A rolling stone gathers no moss" popped into my head. To say that it "popped" into my head is kind of an understatement, for, when I began to reflect on it, I dropped straight to my rump and was lost in thought.

Which one exhibits life? The rolling stone is active, but is being active all there is to life? The resting stone gathers moss. It is covered in life, but…

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Added by Bashooku on August 7, 2017 at 9:13pm — 1 Comment

Hope in the unexpected places

I've been watching The Flash. I have a list of TV shows that I rotate through. They are familiar, which is comforting during times of depression and anxiety. They are predictable: the good guy will win, the bad guy will lose, and the struggles only make the hero stronger. With anxiety, it's relaxing to know that some things will work out according to formula. It's not something to fall completely into and forget about reality, but it is a nice break from things and can be restful as one is…

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Added by Bashooku on August 4, 2017 at 7:56pm — 4 Comments

Inwardly I rant and rave

During my last visit with my wife, we took our son out for some burgers. We were having a good day and I took some pictures, one of which was of my wife and I kissing. I loved those pictures. We were all smiling, being goofy, and enjoying our day. When I posted them to Facebook, she got upset with me. She said that she really didn't like those pictures. I've posted those types of pictures so many times in the past, but NOW it's a problem? She argued that they weren't "natural" pictures. I…

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Added by Bashooku on August 4, 2017 at 4:56pm — 4 Comments

Used To

I recently started a support group for people suffering from anxiety and depression. At our first meeting, the topic of personal passions came up and one member made the comment of, "We all keep using the words 'used to.'" That was a powerful observation as it brought us all together in our awareness and we found support amongst each other with facing a common challenge: rediscovering the things that made us who we are.

Even though we were all suffering from anxiety and depression, I…

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Added by Bashooku on July 31, 2017 at 2:11am — 5 Comments

Bouncing back

The knowledge that I've recovered from this before, as momentary as it was, has given me hope that I can come back, again. Like I've said in my earlier posts, it is something that must be practiced just like any other skill. Last night was rough, but I did come back. This morning, I awoke, fully aware that that my practice had to begin immediately. My thoughts have to be monitored and my emotions analyzed. It is easy to fall back into the victim mentality: panic takes control, cognitive…

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Added by Bashooku on July 24, 2017 at 10:42am — 2 Comments

Slipping

I've lost the chill I took two weeks to obtain. I won't get into the details, but things happened when I went to visit my wife. She has this uncanny ability to destroy my calm with her issues. I'm angry and hurt right now. I don't understand how someone who could vow to love, cherish, and care for me until death do us part could be so cold and withholding. I don't understand how she can cause me pain and feel no remorse. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt and I don't know what to do. I have…

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Added by Bashooku on July 24, 2017 at 1:18am — No Comments

Bashooku's Soliloquy

To dwell on thoughts of yesteryear or for travels unknown? To return to paths of unfortunate…

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Added by Bashooku on July 23, 2017 at 9:32pm — No Comments

Be calm, be still

I have hobbies that require a level of calmness and zen. I do martial arts, archery, darts, draw, write, and play pool. I actually took these practices/hobbies for granted, thinking that I could attain stillness while doing them it never occurred to me that I would need to practice the stillness and calm specifically in other aspects of my life. Talking to someone you love and care about while they are hurting can be emotionally charging, whereas taking aim and letting an arrow loose is a…

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Added by Bashooku on July 19, 2017 at 8:08pm — 2 Comments

Self worth

Trying to rediscover my self worth. Being dragged through hell by circumstances and by my own anxiety has left me jumping around, trying to put out fire after fire. It's hard to be optimistic. When the anxiety hits, negative thoughts flood my mind and my imagination goes wild. I "know" that these thoughts are not based on reality, but it is so hard to shake them. I've asked myself, "Why do you think of these things? Why not let your mind wander to hopeful thoughts?" The trauma of the…

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Added by Bashooku on July 18, 2017 at 4:53am — No Comments

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