Bashooku's Blog (24)

It won't stop

I can't get over my wife. I'm lost, in pain, lonely, depressed, and wishing for it all to end. I'm broken now. I'm destroyed by what happened. Therapy isn't helping. Trying to start over isn't helping. Trying to do things for myself isn't helping. It keeps coming back. I miss her and want to be with her, but it's always me stupidly reaching out for her. My self esteem is gone. I don't see a future in anything I do. For the past two days, I've been hiding in my room, crying and wishing for it…

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Added by Bashooku on September 22, 2017 at 1:51am — 4 Comments

Dreams of hope, dreams of pain

What torment is it when dreams full of hope and love now bring about pure depression and pain. There has been a reoccurring theme lately: a daughter. My dreams are so amazing, seeing this daughter and just how beautiful she is, but the fact that this daughter is shared by my wife brings me so much sadness. They are wonderful dreams where we are together as a family and loving life, but, when I wake up, I am slapped in the face by the reality.

I've tried talking to my wife about these…

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Added by Bashooku on September 17, 2017 at 4:20pm — No Comments

Frustration with narcissism

When someone is narcissistic, not only can they not experience empathy, they are incapable of receiving it. To experience empathy is to understand that someone other than the narcissist is feeling pain and they don't like the chance of the spotlight being taken from them. The whole argument that "You don't know what I'm going through" is an indicator of this. You try to offer them support and they throw it away at the same time they are saying they need to talk to you. You try to share…

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Added by Bashooku on September 7, 2017 at 2:56am — 3 Comments

Every hero in the house.

Who wants to be a hero? How many reading this are the caring type who would go out of their way to help someone else? I've seen so many blog posts about people not feeling appreciated, feeling neglected after years of commitment, being abused, being forgotten while they were right next to the person they were helping, and being left behind like too much burden. It's a shame, but these are the trials of the…

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Added by Bashooku on August 27, 2017 at 11:42am — No Comments

Alcoholism

If you or anyone you know is suffering from alcoholism, seek professional help. If you are close to, in a relationship with, or know someone who is within such a relationship with an alcoholic, please, seek professional help. Friends and family may coddle or even get angry about the situation, which doesn't help and can push things even further into destruction. Encourage the addict to get professional help. Encourage those close to them to get professional help.

AA and…

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Added by Bashooku on August 21, 2017 at 3:42am — No Comments

Letting go is hard to do.

I have accepted that my wife and I will never get back together. With how things are with her addiction and how she shifts the blame back onto me, I don't want to get back together with her. I am also conflicted with this desire to help her. I don't want her to go down that road of alcoholism, which she's already been on for far too long.

I don't know if there is anything that could make her see just what her drinking has done to her, her relationships, and her child. I'm not a…

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Added by Bashooku on August 21, 2017 at 2:20am — 2 Comments

Torn

Yesterday, when I went to pick up my step son from school, I spoke to his teacher and his counselor about what was happening and expressed my concerns about my wife's alcoholism. She's been borrowing money to make bills, but I know that she hasn't been paying those bills. I know that she's been spending that money on booze and frivolous clothing for herself. When I saw my step son, he was wearing clothes he outgrew months ago. She hasn't been buying him new clothes.

I know why she…

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Added by Bashooku on August 18, 2017 at 7:55pm — 4 Comments

Blind Spots

I am so tired right now, so, please, excuse any ramblings. I'm experiencing a bout of melancholy as I'm coming down the other side of some anxiety. Yep, it was anxiety and not allergies. lol. The fortunate thing is that it was anxiety induced by a lack of sleep, which took a simple "How much sleep have you gotten?" to help me realize where the increased anxiety was coming from. Big thanks to Kelley for being insightful and asking me that one simple question. I didn't get much more sleep last…

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Added by Bashooku on August 18, 2017 at 1:58am — 4 Comments

Triumphs and Tribulations

I'm really seeing the success from my little experiments. I am feeling the anxiety, still centralized around my forehead, but it is not controlling my emotions. Maybe, just maybe, what I'm feeling isn't even anxiety anymore, but allergies since I moved back to farm country. lol

My wife contacted me. She's been stressed out about bills and making all the things work. Her attitude with me has been short tempered and panicked. I have actually kept my calm lately and have even returned to…

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Added by Bashooku on August 16, 2017 at 12:36am — 1 Comment

That little s*** is back, but I'm prepared.

Today is our two year anniversary. I awoke today with depression and it has slowly been moving back into anxiety, which isn't good, so it is time for more practice. Physically, I am feeling the same electric charge, but it is centralized in my forehead instead of the other places it typically is: the based of the skull and sternum.

I spoke with her today. She was very…

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Added by Bashooku on August 14, 2017 at 9:40pm — 1 Comment

Anxiety has turned to depression

I'm in a strange place at the moment. I'm exhausted, but am unable to just go to sleep. I've been feeling a bit depressed today. It's a welcomed change from my normal anxiety. It's less painful and I can at least sit still. I don't know why, but I'm feeling this kind of dread about going to bed. I tried to lie down, but felt my body pushing me to get up. I exercised today and, like I wrote above, I'm not experiencing anxiety, so I don't know where this nervous energy surrounding sleep is…

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Added by Bashooku on August 14, 2017 at 5:50am — 2 Comments

Push and Pull

Is it possible to let go without pushing away? We often come to these moments in a situation, relationship, or dependencies where we recognize that our own emotional response to them is detrimental to our mental and/or physical health, but is it necessary to push them away in the process of letting go of that emotional association? With physical addictions, I would have to say that it is necessary to push away that which is causing the…

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Added by Bashooku on August 13, 2017 at 5:47pm — No Comments

Eureka!

Upon reading more of the philosophical perspectives of Stoicism, I came across a quote by Marcus Aurelius: “Today, I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions, not outside.” I've discussed triggers in other blogs and I see the error in my perceptions now. Recognizing triggers is a good tool for avoiding anxiety escalations early on, but, recently, I had forgotten that the internal…

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Added by Bashooku on August 12, 2017 at 4:13am — No Comments

Triggers

My wife is a HUGE trigger for me. My anxiety about my marriage is always going back and forth because of her going back and forth. It's maddening to not know what to do: should I hold on? should I let her go? Does she want this to work? Does it even f****** matter? As much as all of this is hurting me and I do want to be released from this insanity, getting a divorce is the last thing I ever wanted, so it's not easy. It's not easy to actually want the marriage to be over. I still love her. I…

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Added by Bashooku on August 12, 2017 at 12:11am — 1 Comment

Stoic

 I've been reading up on the ancient Greek philosophical work of Stoicism. Although it is a very welcomed and insightful perspective, I don't think they had trauma in mind when trying to attain that level of acceptance, but I will share my findings and thoughts.

Stoicism comes from the Greek word "stoa," which is a name…

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Added by Bashooku on August 9, 2017 at 6:30pm — No Comments

What is life?

I'm sure I'm not the first person to hit on this topic or from this angle, but I was just exercising and the old saying "A rolling stone gathers no moss" popped into my head. To say that it "popped" into my head is kind of an understatement, for, when I began to reflect on it, I dropped straight to my rump and was lost in thought.

Which one exhibits life? The rolling stone is active, but is being active all there is to life? The resting stone gathers moss. It is covered in life, but…

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Added by Bashooku on August 7, 2017 at 9:13pm — 1 Comment

Hope in the unexpected places

I've been watching The Flash. I have a list of TV shows that I rotate through. They are familiar, which is comforting during times of depression and anxiety. They are predictable: the good guy will win, the bad guy will lose, and the struggles only make the hero stronger. With anxiety, it's relaxing to know that some things will work out according to formula. It's not something to fall completely into and forget about reality, but it is a nice break from things and can be restful as one is…

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Added by Bashooku on August 4, 2017 at 7:56pm — 4 Comments

Inwardly I rant and rave

During my last visit with my wife, we took our son out for some burgers. We were having a good day and I took some pictures, one of which was of my wife and I kissing. I loved those pictures. We were all smiling, being goofy, and enjoying our day. When I posted them to Facebook, she got upset with me. She said that she really didn't like those pictures. I've posted those types of pictures so many times in the past, but NOW it's a problem? She argued that they weren't "natural" pictures. I…

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Added by Bashooku on August 4, 2017 at 4:56pm — 4 Comments

Used To

I recently started a support group for people suffering from anxiety and depression. At our first meeting, the topic of personal passions came up and one member made the comment of, "We all keep using the words 'used to.'" That was a powerful observation as it brought us all together in our awareness and we found support amongst each other with facing a common challenge: rediscovering the things that made us who we are.

Even though we were all suffering from anxiety and depression, I…

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Added by Bashooku on July 31, 2017 at 2:11am — 5 Comments

Bouncing back

The knowledge that I've recovered from this before, as momentary as it was, has given me hope that I can come back, again. Like I've said in my earlier posts, it is something that must be practiced just like any other skill. Last night was rough, but I did come back. This morning, I awoke, fully aware that that my practice had to begin immediately. My thoughts have to be monitored and my emotions analyzed. It is easy to fall back into the victim mentality: panic takes control, cognitive…

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Added by Bashooku on July 24, 2017 at 10:42am — 2 Comments

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