This has been a very long and perplexing three weeks. Some one I care about is returning from a European vacation. I have had very little contact with this person, which has hurt to say the least. I hope to know more of where I stand once she returns.
Last night I spent some good ole time with an old friend. We actually use to play guitars at various locales. Nice bon fire, cocktails, and jamming was good for the soul, indeed.
Added by brists on August 20, 2017 at 10:04am — No Comments
I have been thinking, when I first awake what is the first thing that enters my conscience mind? For me it is the same issue that has been inundating my thoughts for the past few weeks. I have given up way too much emotional space to one thing, which, in the case of recovery, has strained any sense of well being. Today, I am going back to basics. Taking one moment at a time and consciously deploying techniques, which will aide to a fulfilled mindset and emotional stability.
Added by brists on August 19, 2017 at 6:22am — No Comments
This is what I wrote, yesterday;
Hi, Karina, I was wondering if you could help me out. I am kind of dwelling on where you and I stand and how your trip has effected our relationship. I will just be blunt and ask you if you plan on breaking up with me when you get back? The unknowing and suspense is driving me a little insane. If you do I will understand but not knowing is the hardest part. Deleting our conversation last week was just a way for me to let you go and enjoy your trip…Continue
Added by brists on August 18, 2017 at 4:24am — No Comments
Man, I am feeling it this morning. A level of anxiety of the unknowing that can only be described as "uncomfortable." I have to question myself and ask; why am I letting this (Karina) affect me so? My only answer, I feel it can be blamed on an obsessive mind. I let things enter the foils of thought, which, combined with a dash of OCD, renders my cognitive abilities to become cluttered and confused. These confusions and obsessive thought patterns make it difficult to concentrate at the task…Continue
Well, it has been 3 days since I have heard from Karina. It was a great run but like all is good things the past is today's memory and today is yesterday's tomorrow. I will let go and set my sights on more realistic goals like; finding a career type job, work more diligently at the job I am working now, and keep my options open for a new relationship.
I feel surprisingly content at the moment. Almost hopeful and giddy, not to sure where this is coming from but why question it I will…Continue
Added by brists on August 16, 2017 at 4:01am — No Comments
This morning was the first time I spoke with Karina. in the past couple weeks I have learned that long distant love affairs just don't work. I have 8 days until she returns in which time she will be seeing her old lover from the states who lives in Belgium. How in gods name can I make it thru that? I am going to be a basket case for those days. All I have is I get to pick her up on her return. Well off to work.
Not sure where to start, really. It was a very good summer. I met a girl and we danced the nights away. Then she left, left me to think. Thinking is a bad thing for me. I have a tendency to obsess over and over about the same things and in this case it is Karina. What is she doing now, who is she doing it with, and I am sure it is a guy. This plays in my cognitions over and over again and now she doesn't return any of my messages. But can I really complain?; yes I can...lol.
Added by brists on August 14, 2017 at 5:20pm — No Comments
It is no longer a trust issue with Karina it is more of a "do I feel good being me." I have to contemplate and consider my feelings toward my daily life. Keeping busy and progressive. There will always be regrets but we have to move on. Take time to look back, analyze the mis-reactions, learn, and progress. Like I have always said; any day I don't feel like blasting a high speed projectile into my brain is a good day. So, in retrospect, I am having a good day. Just need to find something to…Continue
Added by brists on August 13, 2017 at 9:37am — No Comments
"I need to take some space because I'm so anxious about this that I'm afraid that I'll do or say something to hurt this relationship, and that's not something I want to happen." I sent this via text to Karina with full knowledge she may not get the message until she gets back if she gets it at all. In the grand scheme of things I feel less anxiety by blocking her then I did knowing what she was doing. Like I have taken control of what will be. Not much to say on today's blog except the theme…Continue
Added by brists on August 13, 2017 at 6:00am — No Comments
Yesterday I Blocked Karina from Messanger. Why? She had to much control over my emotions and well being. I am a very needed person, emotionally, and she had way too much control over those emotions. Dragging my heart, trust, and love five thousand miles away was just too much for me to bare so I took control of the situation and blocked her from Messanger.
Liberating; I have to say that I feel "liberated" as if I have chosen my own destiny. To sit in wonderment over her actions took…Continue
Added by brists on August 12, 2017 at 3:30am — No Comments
Added by brists on August 11, 2017 at 8:59am — No Comments
Things I did yesterday; went to the gym at 6am then home to sell carts to Tanya then work, home to sleep, then kickball all in all it was a nice summers day. It is tough not to hear from Karina of course my mind goes right to the scenario of her meeting someone but who the fuuck am I to have any say in what she does. Today, my plans are to work out, go to work then hang out with a friend and of course live in the now and not think of what she is doing so much. Boring post I know. Of course…Continue
Added by brists on August 11, 2017 at 3:30am — No Comments
Woke up at 4am to work out at 6am. Really trying hard to live in the moment more often.
just facetimed with Karina. She is in Berlin adventuring around the big city. I am so tired must not have slept all that well last night? Can't help but feel a bit insecure about our relationship. I think long distant relationships are difficult anyway but feeling unsure of what is to come in our relationship is difficult to say the least.
Not really much else to say except I am tired and…Continue
Added by brists on August 10, 2017 at 8:39am — No Comments
I wrote a post yesterday but was in a hurry when I left the house yesterday and neglected to post it, bummer. I had some good comments in there and a couple references to Stoicism, Thanks Bashooku. Yesterday I was compelled to not tell the truth to Karina. I was at a friends, who is a girl, but told Karina I was at my father's but I was not. I feel very guilty about not telling the freakin truth. I don't want to be that person anymore, telling lies. I life now is based on past lies that I…Continue
Sven; Day seven went by fairly fast but another 14 will drive me crazy. I can't express what I really feel because she would run. I think I am only fooling myself to think that this would work anyway. there is a 24 year difference. 24, mean married when she was born meaning I could have gotten a girl pregnant many times over and had her as a daughter yet I call myself in love. In love with a pre-existing condition of OCD and depression great combo to bring into a relationship. Do I really…Continue