During my last visit with my wife, we took our son out for some burgers. We were having a good day and I took some pictures, one of which was of my wife and I kissing. I loved those pictures. We were all smiling, being goofy, and enjoying our day. When I posted them to Facebook, she got upset with me. She said that she really didn't like those pictures. I've posted those types of pictures so many times in the past, but NOW it's a problem? She argued that they weren't "natural" pictures. I argued that, in those moments when you drop your guard, smile, and aren't afraid to be perceived as "goofy," those are the most natural and beautiful. Those are the pictures I love. She likes to have these "photo shoots" where things are exactly a certain way, but those photos that she likes to take don't show the real her and they don't leave room for any of the happiness that she could be experiencing. I argued that "her" pictures are not natural. Always posing and loading up the makeup. Never smiling. Anyways, I got upset with her and called her out on something. "Since these pics show us being happy, it only makes me worried about who you're afraid is going to see them." I told her that she worries too much about how other people perceive her, but doesn't worry about how the right people perceive her. It comes back to how easy it is for her to lie and now I'm seeing that it isn't just something she does with me. I have no doubt that she has gone to all of her friends and family and ranted about the stupid things I've done, but has completely left out all of the things she has done because she knows that 1) it wouldn't paint her as the perfect person she wants others to see her as, 2) it might actually call for some understanding and compassion for what she's put me through, 3) she's afraid of losing support if any of her issues come out, 3) she's afraid that I might gain support, and 4) she might actually be held accountable for her actions. This is causing me anxiety. My "monkey mind" wants to talk to some of the people she's been calling and give the full story, but I'm getting closer to just calling it quits on this whole thing.
I brought up divorce a week ago and she freaked. She told me that she felt hurt and that she didn't want that. She told me that she missed me and loved me. I told her that it was too hurtful to be the only one expressing love and the desire to be together, so I would need her to reciprocate these feelings. It got better for about a week, but has slowly slipped back into her withdrawing behavior. I'm exhausted by this. I'm worried about her. I'm worried about me. It's hard to keep investing emotions into this marriage when I'm getting little to no return. There are times when I don't want to talk to her, but I still make the effort to text her "good morning" and to call her and say, "Goodnight, I love you." Asking her to do something as simple as that is like pulling teeth. Well, if it's that hard for her to express those things, maybe it's time to say goodbye and not put myself through this anymore.