I am so tired right now, so, please, excuse any ramblings. I'm experiencing a bout of melancholy as I'm coming down the other side of some anxiety. Yep, it was anxiety and not allergies. lol. The fortunate thing is that it was anxiety induced by a lack of sleep, which took a simple "How much sleep have you gotten?" to help me realize where the increased anxiety was coming from. Big thanks to Kelley for being insightful and asking me that one simple question. I didn't get much more sleep last night due to responsibilities today and the fact that I didn't get the wake-up call (ironic pun intended) until late last night.

Naturally, the other side of anxiety is depression. As the energy of anxiety starts to crash, depression follows. Since I know that the emotional responses to all of this are simply due to a recent lack of sleep, it is easier to simply sit with it and let it pass. On the other hand, I can't help but be frustrated with myself about all of the blind spots that have been popping up. I'm glad that I didn't act on the anxiety, but am annoyed with myself for not recognizing it sooner. I'm going to create a list of things in my note pad on my phone to reference when I'm feeling anxiety and don't know why.

  1. Have you slept?
  2. Have you eaten?
  3. Have you had coffee?  (I love coffee, but it has been anxiety inducing, so I need to remember to stick to decaf)
  4. Have you exercised?
  5. Have you had any water?

Blind spots are such a pain in the ass. We are already so distracted by our daily lives that, when anxiety is added into the equation, so many other things, simple things, important things, get lost and only make it worse until you notice them again. I am so frustrated right now, because this realization is going retrospect in a big way and I'm kicking myself for so much that I could have avoided or done better if I had just noticed/remembered these little things. Well, here's to the future. All I can do is learn from the past and apply it to now: create reminders, keep practicing, challenge myself to make the right/good decision, and say "f*** off" to the anxiety. It all starts internally. How you treat yourself and the thoughts you hold with your self will eventually manifest in your behavior and how you treat others. I know I've shared this before, but it rings true for this message: "This above all: to thine own self be true, and it shall follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." -Shakespeare, Hamlet, Pilonius-

Fall down, get back up. It's all practice. It's THE practice.

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Comment by brists on August 19, 2017 at 6:19am

Hey, Matthew. Hope you have a great day my man. I was wondering, when you first awake what is the first thing that enters your conscience mind? For me it is the same issue that has been inundating my thoughts for the past few weeks. I have given up way too much emotional space to one thing, which, in the case of recovery, has strained any sense of well being. Today, I am going back to basics. Taking one moment at a time and consciously deploying techniques, which will aide to a fulfilled mindset. Talk soon, Matthew.       

Comment by Bashooku on August 19, 2017 at 2:33am

Thank you for that link, Lauren. I tried it, but I was too wrapped up in crap for it to be effective. I actually followed most of the suggestions: went for a walk, took a shower, did something fun for 30 min. Nothing was working because my mind wouldn't let go. I was so stuck in a loop. My wife was supposed to stop by, but blew me off at the last minute to go visit a friend. That threw me into such a downward spiral that I ended up outside of a church begging to be just taken out. I'll give it a try again tomorrow.

Comment by Lauren on August 18, 2017 at 6:38pm

Excuse the language here, but I find this interactive self care guide really useful when I'm feeling depressed or anxious and I don't know why...I read your questions and thought you might find it useful as well.

http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-s***-an-interactive-self-...

Keep up the good work....you are making so much progress :)

Comment by brists on August 18, 2017 at 12:10pm

Great Voice, Matthew.

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