I attempted suicide, before doing so I thought about how my actions would affect my family and friends.  I thought about how I would not be there to walk my daughters down the asile at their weddings.  I thought about how I would not get to see the men that my sons will become.  I thought about how I would never get to hold my future grandchildren.  I thought about all the plans my wife and I would not be able complete.  I thought about how my parents would have to deal with the death of their child.  Mainly I thought about my wife, how much pain she would be in, how it might through her into depression, how she would move foreward, and if she would ever forgive me.  The one thing I did not think about was if the attempt didn't work, what would be the aftermath.  I wasn't ready for my family and friends telling me how much they love me and want me to stay in this world.  I wasn't ready for the hushed conversation held just outside of my ear shot.  I was not prepared when I found out that my small old timers pocket knife was locked away somewhere, and my medication locked up.  I understand that I brought this upon my self by my own action, but some of these preventions make me feel like I'm a little kid again.  Please believe me as God is my witness I no longer want to kill myself, but if I did do you really think hideing my meds and all the knives is really going to stop me.  I love my family and friends, but I'm getting to the point of if I hear one more time, "don't ever do that again", I think I might scream "NO SH**, REALLY", I have a safty plan in place, I now have a therapist, a pshyciatrist, I'm getting help with my back, and I'm moving foreward with my workman's comp case.  I'm trying to move forward, but I'm feeling more depressed trying to deal with my family and friends. I'm also starting to feel overwhelmed with all the DR. visits.  I haven't been able to chat or post lately because I've had at least 1 and some times 2  appointments every day this week.  Today my appointment is later in the day so I could hop on blog.  Yes I'm feeling more depressed but I am no longer suicidal.  I miss chatting with you all and hopefully next week will be a little less hectic.

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Comment by OddOne on August 10, 2017 at 4:21pm

Thank you so much Lauren, it really does help to hear from people who have gone through similar things.  I love my family and friends, but they just don't understand it, and I hope they never go through what it takes to understand it.  Thank you again for your words of encouragement.

Comment by Lauren on August 10, 2017 at 2:46pm

When my ex tried to kill himself, I hid the knives. Then, years later I went through my own struggles and realized how demeaning that was. I was very guilty of treating him like a child out of my own fear and need to somehow feel like I could possibly keep him safe. I had to go through something very similar to realize this was not true, that my ex was the only one who could keep himself safe. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to get healthy and I hope the people in your life can recognize and give you credit for that. It takes so much strength to go to all the appointments and see all the Dr's. Wishing you peace...


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