August 13 2017 - Emotional Control

"I need to take some space because I'm so anxious about this that I'm afraid that I'll do or say something to hurt this relationship, and that's not something I want to happen." I sent this via text to Karina with full knowledge she may not get the message until she gets back if she gets it at all. In the grand scheme of things I feel less anxiety by blocking her then I did knowing what she was doing. Like I have taken control of what will be. Not much to say on today's blog except the theme of the post; taking back of my emotions. 

Not sure if and or when you will get this, but I wanted to explain why I have chosen to exclude myself from your daily excursions. I feel as if my heart had been dragged to Germany with you. My daily worries of you meeting someone were out of control and I needed to take back that control. I need to take some space because I'm so anxious about this that I'm afraid that I will do or say something to hurt this relationship, and that's not something I want to happen though I am afraid I may be too late. I just don't think it is fair that I put expectations on you during your trip. Expectations of you staying faithful to our relationship during your trip was a selfish and unrealistic on my part and I just couldn't handle that thought. So, I took a step back from punishing myself over things I have no control. I was driving myself insane thinking about things you have told me during the early periods of our relationship. I can't imagine how horrible I would feel if you and Robert hooked up as you initially had planned but at least I would have known, now the unknown is making me question my own ability to control what has taken so long to get under control; my emotions. 
I am not sure how you will react to "us" when you get back. There are so many factor's that may take place on your trip that I may not be able to fully comprehend or deal with on an emotional level. 
I am fully planning on picking you up at the bus stop in East Lansing if you would be okay with that? I obviously need to return your things so I guess I will see you at some point. The question is how will you react to my selfishness/self protection behaviors this may very well be the end and if you did not want to continue with our relationship I will understand and respect your decision. I guess I am just selfish enough that thoughts of you in a foreign land took control of my inability to fully trust you. Our relationship was very young and knowing what I know of your initial intentions plagued my thoughts to the point of grief and that grief became worse the less we communicated. It seemed I was reaching out and you would not respond and that hurt me so I stopped reaching out.
Anyway, that is what the hell I have been going thru. I hope you are staying safe and enjoying yourself. Text me when you get back to the states.

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