I don't understand what's wrong with me. I did everything right. I've done the therapy, the hospital stay, and now I'm on medication, but I'm still so sad. It doesn't make sense.
The more things that I try, the more things don't work...the more hopeless that I feel.
Is this it? Is this all that there is? I feel like I'm better, but the tears still flow. The memories still invade my mind. Why can't I get over this? Why does it still haunt me?
Why can't I be happy for once? Don't I deserve that much?
Lately, the days seem to drag. I spend the days wishing that they were over. Taking care of the kids is getting increasingly more difficult and I find myself wishing away the most precious stages of their lives.
There are days that I long for my children to not need me as much as they do now. Sometimes I wish I could just run away. I want to pack up my things and leave...does that make me a bad mother?
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
I feel like I'm drowning in and endless sea of sadness, guilt and lonliness.
The guilt of being a wife and mother are almost unbearable.
The sadness keeps me from doing the things I am supposed to do in those roles.
It keeps me from wanting to take care of my childrn like a mother should.
I keep trying to remind myself that the difficult days are only temporary, that things will get easier, but it becomes harder to convince myself of that with each passing day.
I just don't understand why I can't be happy.
What did I do so wrong? Why can't anyone help me?
I just want to feel normal again.

Views: 27

Tags: Depression, PTSD, anxiety, bipolar, disorder

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Comment by Feeling Kinda Blue Support on August 11, 2017 at 7:00am

Devin Michelle, 

It seems like you have a lot gong on right now. Please consider calling the FKB hotline at 1-866-728-7983 for support. We are available 24/7 to talk with me. 

-FKB Support

Comment by Bashooku on August 11, 2017 at 5:45am

You are not alone. This is a struggle that so many on here are facing. For me, I've only just recently started to come back and make real progress, so I know you can, too, although I understand how everything can seem so bleak. You're under a lot of pressure to maintain a role while also maintaining composure under such pain. Something I had to accept with myself is: if the sadness hadn't passed, the grieving wasn't complete. It's not always possible to find the time to grieve comfortably, but it is necessary. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling.

My latest breakthrough is through rational thinking. Emotions, although they are necessary for certain processes, are not based in rational thought and, when over indulged, can weaken or take precedence over our rational minds. You've already done something in the practice of regaining your rational mind by simply writing about your experience, so you are ahead of many. Writing, analyzing, and interpreting your experiences is not only therapeutic, it is also a means of taking back power from the emotional perils of perseveration.

At a group meeting today, the topic of stabilizers came up, which touched strongly on the rational mind. One of the members said that she suffers from manic depression, but had been managing to set her day up for success by reading for two hours first thing in the morning. This was a mental exercise, she explained, that helped her to set her "focus" for the day. My biggest problem time is at the end of the day when I have nothing to do and my mind wants to wander, so I've been researching philosophies, which DEMANDS of me to use my rational mind. This has been making it easier for me to fall asleep at night and has even cut down on nightmares.

I hope this helps. I'm already late in my night, so I might not be as well written as I'd like. I always appreciate in depth conversations about these topics, so, if you'd ever like to chat or engage in some correspondence, feel free to hit me up.

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