Odd thoughts that run through my head

I was told that telling my story will help me heal, so here we go.  I've always been a hard working general labor type of guy until almost 4 years ago, when working at a job I bent over and felt explosions go of in my back.  I had ruptured some disk in the small of my back.  The pain was excruciating, but I got up and muscled through. The next day I got up and could hardly get my boots on, so I went to the ER and started the path to recovery.  Unfortunately Surgery is not an option.  Days turned into weeks and weeks into months, and the whole time the pain was increasing.  The higher the pain got the lower I fell.  Funny thing about pain it is not visible, I wish pain would register on people.  If your face is green you have a pain of 1 if it is red you have a pain of 10, unfortunately that does not happen, so when people look at you they can't tell if you are in pain or not.  my wife brought up another idea about pain, she said "pain is different for every one, how do you know that your pain level of 7 isn't my pain level of 15".  She is right pain affects us all differently but the one thing about pain that is true for me was the worse it got, the deeper I slide into my pit of despair.  After 3 plus years of chronic pain I had slid to the bottom.  What do you do when you realize that all of your dreams won't become reality, all your plans for the future won't get accomplished, and all your hope dies?  I was on the bottom of the pit and I realized that the light at the end of the tunnel that every one talks about is not daylight, its a train.  I saw no way out so about 10 months ago I attempted suicide for the first time, a little over a month ago I tried again about 3 weeks ago I tried again.  The worst part was I hade become such a good liar that no one new the true extent of my pain or my depression.  About 2 weeks ago I tried once again, hopefully for the last time.  I spent some time in a psych ward, and started getting the help I need.  I know I have a long and hard climb to get back, but that will be a different story.

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Comment by OddOne on August 5, 2017 at 4:51pm

Thank you for your kind words Bashooku.  I also appreciate your wisdom, it always helps to have a second opinion on any subject.

Comment by Bashooku on August 5, 2017 at 3:12pm

I know a number of people who have gone through herniated and ruptured disks and it is a rough ride. I am so sorry that you're experiencing this. I'm glad you're still with us and I hope you're getting the medical attention you need to recover. You said that surgery is not an option. What other options do you have?

Although I appreciate the idea of making it easier to understand another's emotions more easily, I do see that as a double edged sword. I studied kinesics, proxemics, and micro-expressions through linguistics in college. While this has made it easier for me to read a person's emotions long before they open their mouths, it has also increased my ability for empathy to the point where I can easily confuse and take on their emotional duress as my own. If I'm already emotionally attached to the person and the situation that is causing them pain has also had an impact on me, my pains and their pains are almost indistinguishable and I react to all of it as if all of it is mine to fix. This has been a problem with me and my wife. I can feel her pain and I want to help, but, she pushes me away, so it leaves me with this anxiety about doing something. What she does about things is drinks them away and tries to avoid them, which is unhealthy and has caused numerous other problems in our relationship. This builds up on me and I fall into the anxiety, leading me to act irrationally and out of fear. I wish I could turn off my awareness, but, with the anxiety, I become hyper vigilant and it's all just a downward spiral.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that communication is crucial in having a healthy relationship. If we could perceive things another might be going through more clearly without them opening up, it would cause a laziness about the process because what other communication is needed? A typical argument around this with me and my wife is:

Her: "You know what I'm going through. Why are you pushing me to open up?"

Me: "Because you need to talk about it. You're holding it inside and it's manifesting in self destructive behaviors."

Her: "But you know what I'm going through. Why would it make any difference if I talked about it?"

She knows that I am very aware of what's going on with her, so it's giving her this false perception that she's already shared, which causes HER anxiety when I tell her, "You haven't been talking to me." The communication is necessary, not just for sharing information, but as a part of the grieving and healing process. 

Comment by Feeling Kinda Blue Support on August 5, 2017 at 7:57am

Hi OddOne,

We're here to listen if you need to talk at 1-866-728-7983. We've sent you a message as well.

FKB Support Staff

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