It has been 3 weeks since my Fateful Friday, and I have had a song banging around in my head ever since.  It is an older song from back when I was Young, Dumb, and Reckless.  The song is "Sweating Bullets", and it is by Megadeath.  I find it very interesting when I apply the lyrics to my personal life it almost fits.  It's been a long time since I heard the song, so I looked up the lyrics and they are not quite the way I remember, so I'm going to go with my memory. 

  The song starts out "Hello me Meet the real me in my misfit way of life, My dark black past is my most valued possession, Hindsight is always 20/20, looking back is still a bit fuzzy, My icy fingers claw your back and here I come again".  The first part makes me think of how I always had on my "everything is ok" face and by taking it off I'm meeting the real me and my life has been turned upside down, which could be my misfit way of life.  I spent a lot of time in the first few days reflecting on how much I had lied to myself about how bad I was actually feeling, which could be my hindsight.  My fuzzy I think would be the cloud I used to not only trick myself but also my family.  My Dark Black Past is not a valued possession, but it is some thing I have tucked a way be hind a heavy locked door deep deep down in the darkest reaches of my mind.  When my Dark Black Past happens to escape it could be like Icy fingers clawing at me, trying to let the really bad thoughts come up.  The bad thoughts come up saying here I am.

   The next part of the song goes "feeling claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in there's blood stains on my hands and I don't know where I've been". Starting to dig in to my past with my therapist is making me feel like my emotional walls are falling on me.  My past will reveal things that could be considered blood on my hands.  The not knowing where I've been hopefully will be the me that I use to know and want to get back to, long before locking things away and lying to everyone , 

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