My wife is a HUGE trigger for me. My anxiety about my marriage is always going back and forth because of her going back and forth. It's maddening to not know what to do: should I hold on? should I let her go? Does she want this to work? Does it even f****** matter? As much as all of this is hurting me and I do want to be released from this insanity, getting a divorce is the last thing I ever wanted, so it's not easy. It's not easy to actually want the marriage to be over. I still love her. I miss her so much, but this is not healthy. It's destroying me and she doesn't seem to care. This anxiety about this back and forth makes me paranoid. I can hear my rational mind calling for me to take certain steps to calm myself, but the anxiety has made those steps almost worthless during the escalation. It's frustrating to hear my self giving advice and guidance while I simultaneously ignore it. "Come one! You just made all these great realizations. Why are you still doing this?"
(four hours later)
It's becoming a struggle between my rational mind and my anxiety, but the progress is that my rational mind is now becoming more clear in my head as the anxiety passes. It didn't manage to reduce the anxiety today, but, for the first time, my rational mind was clearly making an effort. It's only a matter of more practice before it is the controlling factor while the anxiety is only an echo, screaming in the distance.
Fall down, get back up. It's all practice.