Hey, Matthew I am off to the gym to help break off some of the rust of useless thinking. I am tired of obsessing about the same fuucking thing every day, it is getting real old. Have a good day man I hope you doing ok. Really, I think you and I need to take a respite from our self centered cognitive dwelling.
Trying to rediscover my self worth. Being dragged through hell by circumstances and by my own anxiety has left me jumping around, trying to put out fire after fire. It's hard to be optimistic. When the anxiety hits, negative thoughts flood my mind and my imagination goes wild. I "know" that these thoughts are not based on reality, but it is so hard to shake them. I've asked myself, "Why do you think of these things? Why not let your mind wander to hopeful thoughts?" The trauma of the events is the answer to those questions. I was fairly positive prior to what happened. I had hopes and focused on them. I still have hopes and dreams, but the anxiety pushes them out when it sweeps over me. I've tried to think about good things, imagine good things, but those thoughts are mere internal dialogue, whereas the fears and paranoia are vivid images like nightmares while I'm awake. It's worse when it hits while I'm trying to go to bed. I then need to keep the TV going as a constant distraction until I can fall asleep before the thoughts interfere again. I want to take back my power. Nobody wants to live like this. I'm not sure what it will take. I know that I haven't been working on this for very long. The traumatic event happened less than three months ago and all the trauma that has happened since then (my wife going back and forth on wanting me to stay or go, her telling me to leave, losing my wife and son, moving two hours away from them, etc.) is still so fresh. It's been two weeks since I moved back to my hometown. My times of lucid control has increased, but I'm still battling with the physical anxiety, which eventually becomes emotional anxiety. It's going to take time to come back from this, but I will come back. I will overcome. I will succeed.
The trauma of what happened made near impossible for me to maintain my own sanity. PTSD is not something I thought I would ever have to face in my lifetime. It effected my ability to be there for my wife or even just give her space as I felt an overwhelming compulsion to reach out to her. It wasn't always reaching out to her regarding my own issues. I tried to be there for her, but she closed off. This only fed my anxiety and we ended up in a withdrawer/pursuer relationship, which created a codependency on my part. I was/am wrapped up in her demeanor and body language as it was the only way for me to perceive her emotional state. I'm sure she was going through other things, but my pursuit quickly turned her emotional duress toward me and associate me with the trauma itself. This led to me trying even harder to "fix" things as my anxiety increased. It was a snowball rolling down a large mountain. She would go back and forth about whether or not she wanted to stay together or separate, which added to my anxiety. Every time she would say that she wanted to stay together, I would calm and relax. Every time she changed her mind, my anxiety about the relationship would return doubled. Please, if any of you are reading this and find yourself in a similar situation, make up your mind to work as a team, develop a plan of how to go about it, and make a commitment to that plan, no matter how hard it gets. I know that, if my wife and I sought and stuck with counseling, we could work through this and be stronger for it. When your family and loved ones are caught in a traumatic event, please, don't abandon them. Stay by their sides no matter what.
It happened. The fourth was my wife's birthday. It was a good day and we celebrated together. The next day, she woke me up with telling me that she wanted me to leave. I packed up as much as I could and moved to a new place back in my home town. I can't sleep and writing has always helped me. Ya know, getting things out. Writing helps me process. I was angry. The night before, I received an email about a possible job. I shared it with her, excited at the possibility of moving forward. The next day, while I was begging her not to do this, that job called me for an interview. I had to turn it down because I wasn't going to be staying in the same city. Now, I'm back in my home town without a job, without my wife, and without my stepson.
I've recently gone through a traumatic experience that has left me anxious, depressed, sleep deprived, irritable, and, generally, a wreck. I came home to find my wife being raped. Since then, our relationship has crumbled while I have desperately tried to hold things and myself together. To her benefit, she was unconscious and doesn't remember anything. Unfortunately, I remember every detail from when I walked through our front door that night. I've been experiencing PTSD flashbacks and I have a continued anxiety being in my own home. My wife has asked for a separation, withdrawn the request, requested again, said that she loves me and needs me, withdrawn previous statement, and gone back and forth more times than I'd care to list. My own PTSD added to by the repeated trauma of my wife telling me that she wants to separate has only compounded my own anxiety. I have seen a psychiatrist and am seeing a counselor to help me through this as my wife is in no condition to work with me. I know that there are many people out there who don't believe in therapy or medication. The truth is that these are professionals who have spent a large portion of their lives studying and working in the field of psychology and, although you may be the expert on you, there are times when we are so broadsided by life that we forget who we are and these professionals can help us regain our balance. It takes time and there are no quick fixes, but it is more likely to take longer without the help of experts.